I’ve been thinking… What does one say to one’s Diva when you finally get a chance to hand the flowers after the performance? Total silence is probably the least embarrassing option. Or is it? Um… Have you ever handed flowers to your diva(s) and have you uttered anything during those 30 seconds?
To exorcize the worst possible scenarios, here’s
The Top Fifteen Things Not to Say to Your Diva If You Ever Cross Paths
1) Please stop singing pop. Please?
2) Why didn’t you sing more Rossini when your voice allowed for that possibility? I found your Nacqui all’affanno from a Frankfurt Opera House young stars gala on YouTube and I’ve been listening to it non-stop. You were in your early thirties, basically a child, on your way to become the Arsace and Cenerentola of your generation. Your dropping bel canto then is now ravaging my life.
3) Please stop singing jazz. Or at least sing it every fifth recital? No? How about every fourth? Third?
4) Who got to keep that spatula, and what is their phone number?
5) Why aren’t you on Twitter?
6) That is your husband?!
7) One more thing about this and I’ll shut up: I dream about your Rosina. If anybody said you were too tall for Rosina, they are rotting in hell right now. I probably dream more about your Rosina than about your Romeo.
8 ) Of all the Sofies, Marschallins, Countesses, Vitellias, Poppeas you seduced on stage, who was the best kisser?
9) One doesn’t have to recycle one’s dresses all that much, does one? That lovely black number on the cover of your Ariodante CD? You’re wearing it in one of your earliest Habanera performances at La Scala, and many years later in your Offenbach concert, and that’s only the recorded instances. Please get rid of everything in your wardrobe with gigantic floral prints, big ruffles, any degree of puffed-up-ness or — and this is a must — anything pink. Please. You can’t poorly dress a goddess. It’s a basic rule, contained in all theological manuals across cultures and religions.
10) Do you need a slave?
11) When do you wrap up the cycling season in Stockholm? ‘Coz our winters are similar, so I was wondering…
12) Do tell – why did you ditch Deutsche Grammophone last year and went to an independent label?
13) Please stop singing pop.
14) I admire how unglamourous you are off stage. That must be a conscious political decision?
15) Um… Erm… Huh… Hm?… Um.